Boi + Grrl = Somnambulista!

HR1913 does not make it a sin to say mean things about queer folk

2009-04-28T20:53:00.000-07:00

hey rabid straight blogger people!

you know i love you all and i have no problems with you practicing your libertarian heterosexual lifestyle in the privacy of your own homes. but there's some legislation coming down the pike that makes it a bit of a federal crime to shoot up, beat up, blow up or burn up queer people like me. but you guys keep talkin' about how it's going to make sunday school teachers criminals for teaching that homosexuality is a sin.

there's nothing in the bill that prevents you or your preacher from preaching the good news that you (or they) hold it as a truth in your (or their) hearts that in the fervent exercise of good christian love, god's sending all us queers to burn in eternal torment.

on the off chance that it was even vaguely possible for a regular act of congress to invalidate the first amendment (oh please go read about the supremacy clause and marbury vs. madison.) but assuming that we woke up tomorrow in a world where we ignored article VI of the US constitution and judicial precedent...

there's still the rule of construction. seriously. read the damn'd thing. it says... "Nothing in this Act, or the amendments made by this Act, shall be construed to prohibit any expressive conduct protected from legal prohibition by, or any activities protected by the Constitution."

i know it's hard to stomach this sort of thing since you're constantly getting beaten up for being white, upper middle-class, heterosexual republicans.

but as a personal favor to me, could you please stop spreading the lies? kthxbai!

(and kudos to Ron Scates and John Wright for introducing me to the phrase "libertarian heterosexual lifestyle")

protests against same-sex marriage discrimination this weekend

2008-11-12T09:13:00.000-08:00

wow. it looks like the debate on same-sex marriage isn't going away. there are anti-prop-8 protests happening everywhere, including a lot of cities outside california.

i'm thinking i might be taking Sean to see "redress of grievances" in action this saturday in San Francisco. He's already been to a number of anti-war demonstrations and "no on 8" rallies. what can i say? we're a bit of an uppity family from a town with a university that offers elective courses in marxist thought.

this next weekend there's a protest going on to raise awareness about same-sex peeps not being able to marry (or divorce.) remember, you don't have to be queer to show up, i've met several people at events such as these who fall firmly in the "friends, family and allies" camp and even a few who could care less about gay rights, they're just libertarian enough to think the state should mind it's own business when it comes to people's matrimonial decisions. if it's something you feel strongly about, there are worse things you can do with an afternoon.

here's the url...

http://jointheimpact.com/

and for santa cruz are residents... remember... the GLBT Alliance and the Diversity Centre are hosting a meeting on sunday...

Town Hall Meeting on Marriage Equality: "What Happened and What Are the Next Steps?:

Sunday, 11/16, 2-4 PM

Temple Beth El, 3055 Porter Gulch Rd, Aptos, CA 95003

more info at http://www.SantaCruzNoOn8.org/

Matt Hamrick, RIP

2008-02-11T00:16:00.000-08:00

So.. this is just a quick note to let people know... I'm (finally) getting around to changing genders. To reflect this, I'm ditching the male name, Matt, and adopting the female name Meadhbh (pronounced "Maeve".) Some might recall I went through a lot of "problems" with this in the late 80's. After years of being a guy, I just can't shake the feeling that something went horribly, horribly wrong in-utero.

So... over the next several of months, I'll be transitioning from an "apparently guy" kind of person to an 'apparently girl" kind of person (with probably stops at a "uhh... what gender are you again?" kind of person.)

If anyone's interested, I'm starting to update my "transition blog" at http://sleepymeadhbh.blogspot.com/ again after a brief hiatus. If you've ever had any questions about the "trans-gender experience" please feel free to ask them via email. A lot of trans-folk hide during transition and enter "deep stealth" afterwards... completely separating their pre-transition and post-transition worlds. An increasing number of us are transitioning in plain sight, and I'm trying to make this as much of a non-event as possible to those around me.

The Beauty and the Tenderness

2008-02-05T09:59:00.000-08:00

Okay... the next time I'm in England, I'm going to try to catch a Jon Woode performance. Check this one out... Beauty, Tenderness, Honesty? This guy's been peeking at my diary.

coppertop

2008-02-03T11:42:00.001-08:00

Ergh!

Just a quick note for those of you on or thinking about going on modern SSRI's. Beware the Brain Zap!

About a year ago I severed a portion of my finger (ouch!) and experienced some pretty bizarre body image issues as a result. I was in the process of coming out trans with myself, my spouse and close friends and was getting seriously depressed. So when my Dr. suggested Lexapro to treat the anxiety and depression symptoms I was experiencing, I jumped at the opportunity.

Like a lot of trans-folk, I spent a fair amount of my adult life in a bit of a funk. After coming out the first time nearly 20 years ago, I lost a lover, friends, a job and experienced a bit of alienation from my family. So, I had to choose between my social support system and a "proper" self-image. Guess which one I tried? Yup... thinking that I would be worse off without my support system, I fell further and further into depression. Over the course of the 80's and 90's I experienced the great joys of Prozac and Welbutrin. Though my mood improved mildly, both drugs had pretty serious "speedy" side effects. But for a brief excursion with Zyban (which worked wonders for me, BTW) I spent a long time dealing with depression the old-fashion way. That is.. I pushed it down, down, down and never spoke of it.

So Lexapro turned out to be pretty good for me. At a time when I was seriously depressed and anxious, it kept me more or less stable. Seriously, there's been some pretty major stuff happening in my life in the last year... coming out, trying to keep a relationship together, coping with not being able to keep a relationship together and oh yeah, chopping off my finger (ouch!)

But... it's not without side effects. For the first several months on Lexapro, I felt very much like my head was filled with cotton. My deductive reasoning abilities were strongly effected (which is a nice way of saying it made me feel stupid.) And sleepy. Ack! if you're having sleeping problems, try a big dose of Lexapro. And the most annoying... persistent, recurring "Brain Zaps."

After consulting my physician, I gradually reduced my Lexapro dose and stopped taking it about two weeks ago. For the most part I'm feeling fine, and I'm recovering some of my missing deductive reasoning abilities. But now I've got something more akin to "Electric Brain Syndrome." Or at least that's what I'm calling it. Rather than getting discreet brain zaps every now and again, there's a constant, low-grade "static cling" sort of feeling in my head. It's not debilitating, per se, but it is a bit distracting. I'm mildly dizzy from time to time, and prefer not to drive as much as I used to. But... from what I read on the web... coming off modern SSRIs involves a bit of discomfort, but not permanent problems.

So... if you find yourself on some of the modern SSRIs... just be aware there might be issues coming off them...

Balance and Swing! in Santa Cruz

2008-01-27T00:11:00.000-08:00

So... if you happen to be a fan of contra dancing, and you live in Santa Cruz or the greater San Francisco Bay Area, and you're Queer (or maybe you're straight and you just want to dance as whatever gender you please,) there's now a Queer Contra group in Santa Cruz. Over the next couple of weeks, a number of us will be holding a few meetings to try to organize a series of dances and we hope to announce specific dates, times and locations soon. The group is just now forming, so if you want to influence the "when and where" of this group, this is your chance...

Contra dancing is a form of english and celtic inspired folk dancing that to the untrained eye may look a bit like square dancing, but with considerably less pomp and a greatly relaxed dress code. Contra dances generally feature live music ranging from folk to bluegrass to hardcore celt-punk. Lessons for new dancers are generally always provided prior to dances, and the prevailing attitude is "if you mess up, don't sweat it, just try to recover as best you can." (And remember... if all else fails... Balance and Swing!)

20 centímetros

2007-04-18T10:30:00.000-07:00

Who can't love a movie described as "A narcoleptic transvestite who yearns to become a transsexual dreams up elaborate musical numbers in which she's the star."

what is beauty?

2007-04-14T08:00:00.000-07:00

psyche and eros, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

First comes love, then come marriage, then comes incredible poetry...

transgender media at lib.rario.us

2007-04-11T08:00:00.000-07:00

If you haven't seen lib.rario.us yet, it's worth a few moments to check it out. It's like the social bookmarking site del.icio.us, but users add references to books and DVDs. I've been adding a number of TG references that can be found by looking up the tag transgender. If you're interested in all the media I've been looking at, you can search by user (my username is meadhbh.) Best of all, they publish these things as RSS feeds, so you can include them in blog sidebars.

transmen : info about your health

2007-04-03T08:00:00.000-07:00

There's a lot of misinformation about hormones and their effects, so I'm always on the lookout for good resources about hormones and their effect on the human body. I happened to be looking for something like Feminizing Hormonal Therapy For The Transgendered when I ran across Medical Therapy and Health Maintenance for Transgender Men: A Guide For Health Care Providers. Though this isn't of direct use to me, I suspect there are some transmen out there who would find it worth a read.

Lynn Conway Totally Rocks

2007-04-02T08:00:00.000-07:00

When I was a little girl, I learned integrated circuit design from "the standard" text, Introduction to VLSI Design by Mead Carver and Lynn Conway. In the early 2000's Lynn de-cloaked and came out as a Trans-woman. So in addition to training a generation of chip designers and helping develop the underpinnings of modern digital processors, she's also started collecting resources for people trying to understand transgender issues.

Her site at LynnConway.Com is a must-see for trans-folk and the people that love them (or at least are trying to understand them.) Also... the site seems to currently be hosted by the Electrical Engineering department at the University of Michigan. So... kudos to them!

Amazon knows I'm TG

2007-04-01T08:00:00.001-07:00

So I guess I've been leaking a little information to Amazon. Look at the recommendations they have for me:

Obligatory Reference to Zoe Visiting a TG Support Group

2007-04-01T08:00:00.000-07:00

I have a secret weakness for television dramas. The good ones are the ones where, like opera, both sides of the human soul are extracted and examined. Normally that means "good" and "bad" parts of the soul are given equal treatment. I loved Boys from the Blackstuff, anything with Helen Mirren, and even Yes! Prime Minister. The characters were multi-dimensional.

I've never been that big of a soap fan, though. Sure, the stories tend to expose the best and worst of the human condition, but they progress at a snail's pace, taking forever! And the characters tend towards two or even one dimensions. A guy who's bad is always bad. A woman who's evil is also vain, jealous, deceitful and treacherous. A woman who's good is supportive, truthful and "natural." Men are always "strong" and "quiet." They never discuss their feelings unless they first a) get angry or b) have been seriously hurt emotionally.

So that's why I was happy to see a glimmer of reality enter into the "Zarf / Zoe" story-arc in All My Children. If you haven't been following the story, it goes something like this... There's a guy named Zarf. He's a rock-star and not an especially "good" guy. He eventually stops repressing his female identity, changes his name to Zoe and turns good. I might normally point out that just because one recognizes themselves as being transgender, it doesn't automatically mean you're nice, honest, cheery and so forth. But the arc seems to be about transcendence and redemption, concepts that are close to my heart, so I'll just shut up about that now.

I found the following clip on YouTube! It shows Zoe in a TG (Transgender) support group. The hook here is that all the men and women in the support group are real transsexuals who are telling their own stories.

Growing up a girl in a boys body was confusing enough. And when I hit my teens the messages I got from the media (mostly from Jerry Springer) were that transsexuals were erotic-dancers or heart-breakers who picked up hetero men just to humiliate them publicly. I just wanted to drive the kids to school in the mini-van, dress nice for an occasional night on the town and have someone buy me chocolates and flowers. So it was hard to square my feelings about my identity with the messages I was getting from the media. It's good that this generation is seeing that we're people. We make breakfast, we fold laundry, go to work and try to get to the aerobics class on time.

So thank you, Ms. Carruthers. Thank you for treating us like people.

I'm familiar with the stories of two of the women in the room with Zoe, if you have information about more of them, please let me know:

Jennifer Finney Boylan: Jenny, who is the group facilitator in the clip, is the author of She's Not There : A Life in Two Genders. A memoir of her life and transition. Already an accomplished author before the publication of her memoir, she's the Director of the Creative Writing Program at Colby College.
Betty Crowl: Betty is the husband of Helen Boyd, the author of My Husband Betty and She's Not the Man I Married. Both these books deal with their relationship and the effect of transition on spouses. Cool stuff.

Avoid blending in with a TG T-Shirt from Lannie Rose

2007-03-31T08:00:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know... the last thing we want is to be 'read' as anything other than a girl. But for those time when you're in male drag, nothing says "you're not the boss of me" quite like these t-shirts from Lannie Rose. Readers might know Lannie as the author of "How To Change Your Sex: A Lighthearted Look at the Hardest Thing You'll Ever Do" (not to mention her web-writings at http://www.lannierose.com/.) She also has a collection of shirts up on Cafe Press. Here's my favorite:

Big Shoulders Are 'In'

2007-03-29T08:00:00.000-07:00

T-Girls everywhere are rejoicing, StyleBytes is reporting that Giant Shoulders are definitely "in".

Jesus made me, so he can save me...

2007-03-28T11:49:00.000-07:00

I love my mother to pieces, of course. One of the things I remember from childhood was being the subject of a lot of testing. My mom was going through a master's program in education and it seemed that every time there was a new test, I was volunteered to take it. I didn't have a problem with it, time with mom was pretty scarce when I was a wee one, so I was happy to help out.

But I remember being seven or eight and having Mum tell me I used both sides of my brain. I didn't know what to think at the time. I had sort of expected everyone to use all their brain.

Several years later she mentioned something about having miscarriages and taking hormones to prevent it when I was in-uteri.

And then there's all the times my older sister told me that I was a perfectly behaved baby, not at all like the other boy babies she knew.

Topping it all off was a recent time when, after telling a friend from out of town how to get to my house, he said, "Jesus. You give directions like a woman." I gasped publicly, of course, but giggled to myself inside.

So recent research seems to validate the idea that my DES-addled brain is, in fact, a bit femme. (DES sons show changes in brain function - diethylstilbestrol - prenatal exposure to sex hormones may affect brain development.)

I guess that explains the female gender identity, desire to be a cheer-leader in high-school, affinity for ballet flats and the love I have for my mini-van.

But seriously, I struggled a long time with the "why did Jesus make me this way?" question. It took me a while to realize that it doesn't matter. Whether it's a brain feminizing synthetic hormone, government conspiracy or alien experimentation with our precious bodily fluids, I am the way I am.

The question of, "what made me this way" is of academic interest at this point. It's interesting, but largely irrelevant to the practicalities of my life. And before some of you out there start talking about how studies like this prove that my sisters and I are "damaged," let me just say this. Jesus made me the way I am. God came down and blew breath into my soul. As it turns out, it's a girl's soul in a boy's body, but what? you want to argue with the big-guy?

In Gods Image : One Transman's Journey

2007-03-28T11:09:00.000-07:00

If you have a moment... click over to Current.TV and vote for In Gods Image : One Transman's Journey by Mark Angelo Cummings. It's his story of alienation, pain and eventual transcendence. I love the message here... we're all made in God's image and because of that we're all sacred.

I'm not your archetype. I'm a person.

2007-03-28T09:28:00.000-07:00

I'm not your archetype.

I'm not a flamboyant gay man.

I'm not a Jerry-Springerized erotic dancer sex kitten.

I'm not a confused kid who will "just grow out of it."

I'm not a heretic.

I was a frightened girl who grew up beaten and ostracized because of the way I looked and acted.

I lost family and friends to denial and misunderstanding.

I'm a person.

Get over it.